Emotional Intelligence

Digital composite of Businessman using smart phones while emojis

I’m back to the EQ blog after a very productive hiatus. When the proposal for my latest book was picked up by a publisher last year, I took time off to write the book, develop its internet platform, promote the book (in my spare time—ha, ha) and then leverage the new content from the book into improved workshops.

In my first book Follow the Yellow Brick Road: How to Change for the Better When Life Gives You Its Worst, I introduce the Interpersonal Triangle model. However, it’s always been my dream to write an entire book on the model: I wanted to do a “deep dive” for readers. That opportunity arose when Linda Langton, a well-known New York literary agent decided to represent me (and the book). In her first round of inquires she found a publisher—Career Press—who picked up the book, titling it The 3 Dimensions of Emotions. Now it was time to get to work.

Since my first book, I’ve realized the benefit of framing the model in terms of dimensions. Just as there are three dimensions in the physical world—height, width and depth—so there are three dimensions in the emotional or relational world: namely power, heart and knowing (or mindfulness), respectively. Each of these dimensions has a negative side and a positive side. To the degree that we limberly move in the positive aspects of the three dimensions in our life, with balance and integrity, we are effective and therefore fulfilled (and perhaps even happy). The ability to dynamically integrate personal power or agency with heart or love for others, all the while maintaining stability and wisdom through knowing and mindfulness, is for me another way to describe emotional intelligence. Daniel Goleman’s four categories of emotional intelligence—self awareness, other awareness (empathy) self-control and managing others—are all represented in the three dimensional model with the added benefit of prescribing how to get back into balance when we find ourselves out of kilter.

Ever since I developed this model decades ago from the brilliant work of psychologists Karen Horney and Wilfred Bion, I used the model to design and facilitate emotional intelligence workshops for parents, marital couples, mental-health professionals and for organizational leaders. Since the publication of the book last year I’ve had the opportunity to take these emotional intelligence workshops to their next level, especially in the area of organizational leadership training. This has been nothing short of exciting. Work comprises a major portion of our life and the more emotionally intelligent we are (and our boss is) the more fulfilled we are in our life.

Here’s a recent example of how I applied this model with a high tech company that I did a workshop for in India. A majority of the Indian managers and high-potential leaders within this company often found themselves reacting in the negative side of the “Heart” dimension by tending to appease others, and when that failed, freezing up and becoming immobilized. You could say that as people-pleasers, they were lacking in skills for positive confrontation. As a result, their effectiveness as leaders was minimized; they lost their personal power and perspective. This dynamic came to light after the participants took the Interpersonal Triangle Inventory, (which is available free to readers of my book).

Later, while participating in workshop exercises, we focused the second half of the workshop on building Mindfulness and Power skills to bring them back into balance and to improve emotional intelligence and effective leadership. For example, we helped them to identify the circumstances when they go into the freeze and appease mode. And when they were able to recognize that, we gave them a list of positive behaviors (best practices) that they could employ to pull themselves out of their negative reactivity. They could employ the “sleep on it before you react” practice when possible (Knowing dimension) or practice “I” statements with those for whom they were challenged (Positive Power Dimension behavior).

While this group was working on balancing their Heart reactivity with positive Power and Mindfulness behaviors, another group from the same workshop had a different challenge. They were Power reactors. They reacted by getting angry and trying to gain dominance over other people. They had to work on collaboration and empathy (from the positive Heart dimension) and self-control and self-regulation (form the Knowing or Mindfulness dimension). With the help from other colleagues in the workshop, they came up with a different set of best practices that they could incorporate to bring themselves back into balance and thus be more emotionally intelligent and thus be better leaders.

It was very rewarding to see the content of the new book fleshed out in front of me with real managers and leaders from another country. I saw them become hopeful when they realized that there were alternative actions they could take to their personal habits and reactivity patterns. I plan to return to India in a few months for a follow-up booster session because we all know that changing our reactivity patterns is not easily done in one workshop.

Well, its nice to be back to this blog. I look forward to more opportunities to exchange ideas.As always, you can also catch me on my 3 Dimensions of Emotions blog. And please let me know your thoughts and questions and what other topics that you’d like me to address related to the very important idea of emotional intelligence.

The Emotional Pain Body, Witches and EQ: Part 2

May 5, 2014

Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Pain, Leadership, Spirituality, Stress, Uncategorized, Wizard of Oz

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In a previous article I talked about the painbody and how it undermines emotional intelligence (EQ). Now let’s talk about how to deal with the painbody in our lives. But first . . .

There are many ways we typical react to the painbody that erupts in our lives and relationships. Here are a few:

—Most importantly and most often, we identify with the painbody. As I mentioned in Part 1, the painbody often takes over our mind and we think as it dictates us to think. We cannot tell the preverbal “forest from the trees.”
Act it out. (This is similar to identifying with it.) For example we might start a fight with our spouse just to prove s/he is a hurtful person.
We numb it. There are many ways to numb pain. Here are just a few:

o Drink alcohol or get stoned (most addictions are part of the painbody)

o Work, work and work some more

o Complain until you run out of friends

o Eat a high caloric snack (when no is looking) and then go back for seconds.

We try to fight the painbody. This is the most interesting because it seems like the “right” thing to do. We desperately try to dispute it and fight emotion with facts. Sometimes this works for a short time but like Dorothy’s witch, she keeps coming back. Very often when we fight the painbody, it only gets bigger. It’s like some sci-fi monster that eats up your energy and turns it on you. So good luck fighting your painbody!
Or we can do it the healthy way . . .

Eckhart Tolle has a very simple yet powerful approach to the painbody. It is consistent with many psychological and spiritual approaches that we all know (and practice?). Here are a few of them:

AAA: Acknowledge . . . Accept . . . Allow . . . the painbody. Don’t fight it, it will win and take parts of you with it. Instead acknowledge its eruption. Accept that it is there and mindfully allow it to be there without resistance.

Watch it with compassionate . . . Presence. Tolle frequently uses the term presence. He endorses being present with the painbody without reacting to it, without identifying with it, without fighting it. In this way we take away its food source, our mental engagement with it. This practice is very similar to what I write about regarding Witches in my book, Follow the Yellow Brick Road. Taking Dorothy’s lead, we should face the Witch and douse it with the water of Awareness and Compassion (what I fancy to be truth and grace, respectively). When we do this, the witch melts.

Befriend it? It might seem strange—if not masochistic—to see the painbody as a friend or ally. But when we greet it for what it is––un-integrated, impacted emotional pain that we carry around in our psyche—and we know that when it is metabolized (melts) it will release positive energy; we don’t have to be afraid of it. In fact we might welcome it as an opportunity to grow and heal. (See Getting Your Wings in the Land of Oz.)

Surrender. There is another discipline that uses the idea of surrender. Do you know who it is? Yes, Alcohol Anonymous prescribes the concept of “surrender” in its First Step on road to recovery. Tolle identifies two types of surrender:
- Level #1: Surrender to the reality . . . as it is. The other day I spilled a cup of chunky soup inside our refrigerator. Becoming upset, I cursed at the horrendous crime that had just fallen upon me. And then the Awareness in me spoke. “It is soup spilled, nothing more nothing less. Be present with the reality of spilt milk soup . . . and oh yeah, and clean it up.”
- Level #2: Surrender to the pain . . . feel it. We are generally afraid of our painful feelings. But if we can separate them from the old negative “emotional notions” in our head (Tolle calls this our “Unhappy Me”), we are left with simply emotions, which will pass with time (and the sooner we surrender, the sooner they leave). Sadness, loneliness and anger without their “mental containers’ (e.g. “I am defective” or “No one loves me”) are just feelings and feelings come and go.

I challenge us to try this practice. Next time our painbody erupts, wait for the Awareness-within. Acknowledge and accept the painbody’s appearance. Bring compassion and grace as you watch it. Don’t give in to the temptation to identify with it, numb it, act it out or even fight it. Simply be present. Then enjoy the inevitable melting of the painbody Witch and the release of positive energy that will follow. This is emotional intelligence.

Getting Your Wings in the Land of Oz

April 23, 2014

Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Pain, Spirituality, Wizard of Oz

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Episcopal priest Rev. Ed Bacon* recently posted a short poem by Kim Rosen titled “In Impossible Darkness.” It caught both my attention and imagination. Here it is:

In Impossible Darkness

Do you know how

the caterpillar

turns?

Do you remember

what happens

inside a cocoon?

You liquefy.

There in the thick black

of your self-spun womb,

void as the moon before waxing,

you melt

(as Christ did

for three days  in the tomb)

conceiving

in impossible darkness

the sheer  inevitability

of wings.

—Kim Rosen

I am sure that this has great meaning for many Christian Believers. But I see meaning and importance far beyond its seasonal Christian treatment. I see profound “spiritual” and psychological implication as well. So in the echoes of Passover, Easter and blossoms of springtime, allow me to muse out-loud. You see, to me this is a poem about change, about transcendence.

Change is seldom easy. You almost always have to “liquefy.” What does liquefy mean (to me)? It means you have to come apart, dis-integrate, change your current form and then re-organize into something different (and if to have any true importance), something better. The butterfly has its entire original DNA; it is just reorganized. The butterfly-you and the butterfly-me are the same essential person but our function and capacity are altered. We have wings now—wings that give us freedom and mobility. Unlike a creeping caterpillar bound by the weight of its encumbered life, we can now fly.

The change is seldom instantaneous, there is almost always a “tomb” experience—an experience that is set-apart, and to some degree tumultuous. An experience that is identifiable, if by no other distinction than by its ridiculous disturbance to what we are use to. It could be as simple as a bad-hair day (like one that I had last week) or a more catastrophic event like a divorce or the death of a loved one (like the recent passing of my dear brother-in-law). In my book, I refer to this as the Land of Oz. The Land of Oz is a passageway, an uncharted pit stop where we go to liquefy and change into something more true to our best selves. It is where we fire our fraudulent Wizards; it is where we face our inner Witches (see my blog on Pain Body) and they melt; and, the place where we develop Lion-power, Tin Man-love and Scarecrow-mindfulness.

I once heard of an African-American preacher who gave a sermon for Good Friday (the day that many Christians honor the death of Jesus). The sermon was profound yet elegantly simple. Here is the sermon in its entirety:

It’s Friday . . . but Sunday** is coming.

He just kept repeating that phrase over and over again with increasing crescendo and varying punctuation.

So for those of us going through a tomb experience, who are “liquefied in the darkness;” for those of us who are in the throes of an “Oz” experience, confused and disoriented—take hope. When we go through these experiences with grace (profound love for ourselves) and truth (with full consciousness), there are wings waiting inevitably for us. Please note: this not cute sentimentality; this is good psychology. This is neurology at its best. The change is real. This is how we become more emotionally intelligent. This is how we become our best butterfly selves.

P.S. For those of you who are waiting for Part 2 of my blog on Eckhart Tolle’s Pain Body, it is coming soon.

______________________

[*] The Reverend Ed Bacon is the Rector of All Saints Church in Pasadena and a frequent guest on the Oprah Winfrey Network’s Super Soul Sunday. He is the author of 8 Habits of Love: Open Your Heart, Open Your Mind (2012, 2013).

[**] Sunday refers to Easter Sunday, which is when traditional Christians believe that Jesus rose alive from the tomb.

The Emotional Painbody, Witches and EQ

March 10, 2014

Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Pain, Spirituality, Stress

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The #1 Deterrent to Emotional Intelligence

My favorite psychological author is not a psychologist (although he has studied psychology, along with philosophy and literature). As a spiritual director and thought leader, Eckhart Tolle is beyond definition—he is not affiliated with any particular religion. In his books (The Power of Now and A New Earth) he introduces what he calls the “painbody.” In a 2010 Huffington Post article he states that, “there is such a thing as old emotional pain living inside you. It is an accumulation of painful life experience that was not fully faced and accepted in the moment it arose. It leaves behind an energy form of emotional pain. It comes together with other energy forms from other instances, and so after some years you have a ‘painbody,’ an energy entity consisting of old emotion.”

This is not a new idea. The Apostle Paul referred to the flesh, Carl Jung described an archetype he called The Shadow, psychoanalysts coined the term introjects, and I talk about Witches in my book (Follow the Yellow Brick Road: How to Change for the Better When Life Gives You Its Worst). All of these have a notation of some kind of negative psychological entity that takes up residence in the human psyche (or soul/mind) that wreaks havoc within a person and then between persons. (Think of your last argument with your spouse or child. There was probably a good deal of painbody activated.)

Here are a few characteristic of painbody worth briefly noting:

It is an un-integrated negative psychological entity that comes in large part from negative experiences that were never fully processed and healed at the time. One of the most important roles of a parent is to pay attention to their child and when he or she becomes distressed, to intervene to help the child with their negative emotions. As parents help them integrate these emotions, children develop self-regulation, but when this fails to happen regularly, these negative experiences collate and coagulate in the brain/mind to create painbody.
Everyone has some painbody. It is part of the human condition. (In fact, Tolle suggests that painbody of a nation is passed down to people within that nation or culture.)
The painbody takes many forms and manifestations: hurt, hate, depression, self-hate, anxiety, fear, alienation, despair, emotional drama (making mountains out of molehills), blame, even physical illness.
Our PainBodies can be active or dormant. In this way and many more, the painbody is like a virus. It lies dormant until something internal (like a negative thought) or external (you’re late for a flight) triggers the painbody and then it erupts. Some fortunate people have only occasional outbreaks of painbody. Others live in an almost-constant state of pain and misery—always unhappy, depressed or angry.
The painbody takes over the mind. Most often we identify with the painbody, thinking as it thinks. For example, the painbody makes it easy to believe that “I am a loser” or perhaps “my spouse is an alcoholic” even when there is no outside reality. (Just like viruses take over the DNA in our cells, the painbody literally hijacks the thinking part of the mind.)
Like any thing that is alive, it needs to eat and the painbody feeds on energy like itself; it feeds on pain. Against all reason, it looks for things to make it mad or sad or scared and then keeps the feeding going. It will instigate a fight with a spouse. It will passive-aggressively provoke a reaction from a boss or client. All of us parents have experienced our children deliberately provoking us to anger . . . to feed their newly developing painbody. When we have ample opportunity to avoid conflict or negativity about ourselves, we fail to do so. We have a hungry painbody to feed.

So what does this have to do with emotional intelligence (EQ)? EQ has everything to do with a positive yet accurate view of our self, self-control and the ability to “manage” our relationships with kindness and agency. EQ has to do with what is called flow: easy authentic emotional movement. EQ is congruent with reality and works realistically with “what is.” EQ easily and readily digests positive emotions (like joy, gratitude and love) and processes negative experiences in stride. Painbody undermines everything that I just described about EQ.

I have a psychotherapy client who is a gifted young woman who has everything going for her. And yet when she has a painbody eruption, she is fully convinced that she is an awful, worthless person, who has nothing to look forward to in her life. When evidence to the contrary is pointed out to her, she fights back with fury. Her painbody cannot digest hope and truth. She is on a feeding frenzy and will only accept raw pain for food. Her EQ is severely disabled.

In the next blog article, I will talk about what Tolle has (and I likewise have) discovered to be simple, effective ways to “manage” the painbody while also releasing all the positive energy that has been stuck in our psyche, freeing us to live emotionally intelligent (and thus happy) lives.

The Emotionally Intelligent Brain, Part 2

December 17, 2013

Couples, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Love, Parenting, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Work

3 Comments

Four Pathways to Retraining Your Brain

This is the follow-up to my December 1^st post, which was based on an article by UCLA researcher Daniel Siegel. His article describes a healthy brain-mind using the acronym: FACES:

Flexible … the ability to bend without breaking
Adaptive … ability to adjust to different conditions
Coherent … clear, logical, and forming a whole
Energized … having vitality and enthusiasm
Stable … firmly established, not easily upset, not likely to give-way

At the end of Part I in this series, I wrote:

Can we retrain the brain? Fortunately the answer is YES, however it is a qualified yes. It is not easy, and not everyone is willing or capable of retraining his or her brain. Siegel and other neurobiologists agree that the brain is “elastic.” What they mean is that—although difficult—we can recondition the brain: build new and better brain-mind integration. . . . And one key way to effect and eventually develop this part of the brain-mind is through awareness.

As promised, Part 2 of this article will discuss how to raise awareness in leaders so that we change their middle prefrontal cortex and thus generate real learning, growth and effectiveness. Following are four ways to raise awareness as leaders in the business world in order to retrain the brain. The principles apply likewise to our roles as spouse, parent and friend but in different forms, which I will mention briefly at the end.

1. Experiential Training: I start with the most common, but least effective way to retrain the brain. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in training. One of my favorite things that I do as a consultant is to facilitate training sessions among business and executive teams. But even when I do the training myself, I almost always try to make it experiential and STRONGLY encourage follow-up—the more personal and experiential the follow-up, the better. We retrain the brain primarily through experience, not through taking notes or watching colorful slides. The more we repeat the experience, the more new neural pathways we form.

2. Targeted Personal Assessments: This can take many forms. The most common form of this is the routine annual or bi-annual review. Human beings thrive on accurate, digestible feedback. When the feedback is about us, we generally listen with a higher level of attention. It is particularly helpful if the feedback comes with clearly stated and doable actions. Changed behavior is changed experience, which equals new and better neural pathways.

As a business psychologist I often give assessments to key employees and leaders in a company. These assessments can take on many forms. There are the typical self-report assessments, which are valuable but easily skewed. I particularly like using what is call a 360-rater feedback where any number of people (up-line, down-line, peers, etc.) can take the test about you and you can see how others perceive you.

3. Business Coaching: Probably the most powerful way a leader can raise awareness and retrain the brain is through coaching. Business coaching (executive coaching, corporate coaching or leadership coaching) is based on a one-on-one relationship with a trusted advisor (usually from the “outside”) who provides a discovery process, in-time feedback, support and advice to improve an individual’s effectiveness in their organization. It is the individualized, ongoing process that makes it the most salient brain-changer. If a basketball player benefits from a coach, any and every business leader would likewise be the better for the process of interaction and feedback.

4. An Aware Organization: This last suggestion is the hardest to come by but is the most comprehensive. It goes beyond helping individuals become more aware (the goal of the first three points above) by making awareness part of the corporate culture itself. The organization creates a culture that not only models and encourages awareness from all its members, but is interestingly aware of itself as well. It is an organic living SWOT analysis. In other words, it is an organization that is aware of its

Strengths to exploit,
Weaknesses—(yes, its weaknesses)—to monitor,
Opportunities to leverage, and
Threats to be privy to.

How does an organization become aware? It starts at the top. If its top leaders are not aware, then there is little hope. The Aware Organization is also an organization that is open to outside review (assessment) and feedback and is willing to hear and face the truth about itself. This organization is one that will naturally promote awareness as a norm.

How do these principles apply to other roles that we assume—for example, as a spouse, parent, or friend? Well, any way that we can raise our awareness in one relationship (without shame or defensiveness) does the same thing for us in other types of relationships. Here are some examples (that correspond to the 4 areas above):

Taking interactive courses and workshops. For example, I run occasional courses for couples and parents that are highly interactive and “awareness raising.”
Take online assessments. There are many free assessments that you can take. (If you’re interested in knowing more, leave me a comment below and I will forward you the links). Listen to your partner’s (child’s/friend’s) feedback carefully without defensiveness. Consider what parts of what is being said might possibly be true. This should raise awareness and change your brain.
Instead of getting coaching, try a stint in your own personal therapy, or consider working with a mentor or spiritual director.
Create an “Aware Home” where part of the culture of your household is a commitment to non-defensive listening to feedback. Also be part of organizations (clubs, churches) that are awareness-prone organizations.

If you want leaders (partners, parents or friends) who have the ability to bend without breaking while remaining firmly established and persistent (Stability), and the ability to adjust to varying conditions and markets (Adaptability), are able to think with clarity and logic (Coherent), and have a vitality and an enthusiasm (Energy), then you want a leader (partner, parent or friend) with a high-functioning middle prefrontal cortex. And to retrain that part of the brain you need to increase awareness and foster growth experiences.

Share with us strategies that you use to raise your awareness. And remember, emotional intelligence is intelligence you can live with.

This is my last post of 2013. I wish all of you a wonder-filled Holiday and a great 2014.

Mandela: An Emotionally Intelligent Giant

December 9, 2013

Couples, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Love, Parenting, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Work

3 Comments

This week’s blog was supposed to be Part 2 of last week’s “The Emotionally Intelligent Brain, Part 1.” However because of the passing of a historic man, I decided to digress for one week.

Nelson Mandela’s greatness was of historic proportions. He was also—in my humble opinion—emotionally intelligent. Now mind you, I do not believe that all great people are emotionally intelligent. Steve Jobs was a great man. He changed the world. I am not sure if we could say that he was emotionally intelligent—ask his employees. Nelson Mandela was.

In a previous blog (November 11^th) entitled “Emotional Intelligence (EI) in Three-D: Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion,” I introduced the Interpersonal Triangle and what I consider the three dimensions of emotional intelligence (EI). The basis of my book, Follow the Yellow Brick Road: How to Change for the Better When Life Gives You Its Worst, is that Dorothy’s three companions represent the three dimensions of the interpersonal world:

Courageous Lion represents the Power or “Self “dimension (Moving-Against)
Heart-filled Tin Man represents the Love or “Other” dimension (Moving-Toward)
Thoughtful Scarecrow represents the Knowing or “Mindfulness” Dimension (Moving-Away)

As far as the Interpersonal Triangle describes EI, the premise is simple: When we relate to others—and the world in general—in the positive expressions of all three dimensions, in dynamic balance, then we are at that moment emotionally intelligent. If we get out of balance, unable to function positively in any one (of the three) dimensions we become lopsided and emotionally “unintelligent.”

Mandela and Dorothy have much in common. Mandela and the people of South Africa were under the dominion of the wicked Apartheid regime. At first the people of South Africa—and Mandela himself—understandably reacted to this regime in one or all of the following ways:

Negative Tin Man: they were frozen in fear, like Tin Man in the forest, immobilized and compliant
Negative Scarecrow, detached, indecisive and ineffective in the cornfield
Negative RED Lion, violent and angry

By the end of the story, Dorothy pulled her inner Team together and with equanimity was able to move fluidly in all three dimensions so that she could eventually melt the Wicked Witch of the West. Tin Man was no longer frozen, but with some oil was able to move with passion and compassion steadfast in the mission. Scarecrow was no longer ineffective and indecisive. When he found his knowing, he was able to mindfully and persistently see how to move forward with self-control and wisdom. And yes, Lion (finally) found his nerve and was willing to march into hell (the castle) for a heavenly cause to face the most dangerous witch. This, my friend, was Nelson Mandela. Mandela eventually and consistently pulled together his inner Team—like Dorothy—to melt the wicked regime of Apartheid. This is why we love and admire this giant of a man.

With notable equanimity, Mandela lived and functioned in the positive aspects of all three dimensions:

Courageous Lion: He spoke truth to “Power” (not unlike Jesus, Gandhi and Martin Luther King). And what courage he exhibited, to confront the green-faced hag of Apartheid and then survive an oppressive and impossibly prolonged imprisonment!
Heart-filled Tin Man: His compassion for his people and his passion for the mission was unshakeable. His life was a life of service. But the thing that I admire most about Mandela was his capacity for forgiveness. He was once asked if he forgave his jailers who brutalized him for nearly 3 decades. His response was profound. He said that he was their prisoner for 27 years and if he did not forgive them he would still be their prisoner.
Mindful Scarecrow: He was a man of patience and self-control. Prison allegedly taught him the benefits of silence and solitude, attributes of mindfulness. One of the sub-categories of EI is what is called “political savvy.” Mandela had political savvy. He knew when to fight (Lion) and when to forgive (Tin Man).

His ability to move freely and dynamically in all three dimensions is why I consider him a notably emotionally intelligent person and a model and inspiration for all of us—on whatever stage we live out our personal and work lives. Emotional intelligence is an intelligence that he lived by. South Africa is grateful; the World is grateful. Rest in Peace.

The Emotionally Intelligent Brain, Part 1

December 1, 2013

Couples, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Love, Parenting, Spirituality, Work

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There is much–albeit not enough–talk in the business world today about emotional intelligence (EI) and its importance in understanding what makes leaders transcend to the next level. There is less discussion of EI as it pertains to matters of love—couples, parenting, friendship. From what I know as a psychologist who is interested in neurobiology, I do not think of EI independent of thinking about the brain. Daniel Siegel, M.D., is one of the cutting-edge leaders in this new area of study called “Interpersonal Neurobiology.” Dr. Siegel, in an article for the Psychiatric Annals in April of 2006, wrote the following (I recommend reading it slowly):

An interpersonal neurobiology view of well-being holds that the complex, nonlinear system of the mind achieves states of self-organization by balancing the two opposing processes of differentiation and linkage. When separated areas of the brain are allowed to specialize in their function and then become linked together, the system is integrated. Integration brings with it a special state or functioning of the whole, which has the acronym of FACES: Flexible, Adaptive, Coherent, Energized and Stable. This coherent flow is bounded on one side by chaos and on the other by rigidity. In this manner we can envision a flow or river of well-being, with the two banks being chaos on the one side, rigidity on the other.

The focal point in this paragraph is on the idea of a “complex non-linear mind” that is “integrated.” Integration comes about when the special functions of the brain work well (differentiation) but are also connected and communicative (linkage). As a result we get FACES. When we consider these five functions of an integrated mind, also think of a leader, partner, parent, friend—who has all these functions working together as well:

Flexible … the ability to bend without breaking
Adaptive … ability to adjust to different conditions
Coherent … clear, logical, and forming a whole
Energized … having vitality and enthusiasm
Stable … firmly established, not easily upset, not likely to give way

This is how Siegel describes a mentally healthy brain-mind. It is a mind that “flows” optimally between chaos (disorganization) on one side and rigidity (over-organization) on the other. What I find compelling is that these five (FACES) brain-mind functions aptly describe an emotionally intelligent leader (partner, parent, friend) as well. Emotionally intelligent people apparently have healthy, integrated brain-minds.

Who would not like to be married to (or have as a parent or friend) a person who is Flexible, Adaptive, Coherent, Energetic yet Stable–in other words, emotionally intelligent? Likewise, who wants people in their organization–not the least of which a leader—who possesses the opposite attributes of being inflexible if not rigid, unable to adapt, incoherent (confused, unclear and illogical), depressed, unmotivated or unstable? Having someone like this to follow (be married to, parented by and/or friends with) would be at best unpleasant and at worst damaging.

We can’t choose everyone in our life, of course. We get to pick our partners and friends. (Unfortunately we do not get to pick our parents.) We don’t always get to choose our workmates, but organizations can choose employees and leaders. So if emotionally intelligent leaders have healthy or integrated brain-minds and these integrated brain-minds make for transcendent leaders, how do we get a few of these brains into our organization?

I often argue that it is easier to hire a star employee rather than develop one. That is why I spend a good bit of time in my consulting practice helping organizations hire best-fit (emotionally intelligent) people. It is relatively easy to find someone who has the right education, training and even experience–especially in this current “buyers” market. It is much harder to find someone who is Flexible, Adaptive, Coherent, Energized and Stable . . . someone who has a healthy brain-mind, someone who is emotionally intelligent.

But it is not possible to hire an entirely new company full of integrated emotionally intelligent people. We have to work with the employees (and owners) that we have. This begs an important question: Can we retrain the brain? Fortunately the answer is YES, however it is a qualified yes. It is not easy, and not everyone is willing or capable of retraining his or her brain. Siegel and other neurobiologist agree that the brain is “elastic.” What they mean by that is that—although difficult—we can recondition the brain: build new and better brain-mind integration. How does one do this?

The better question might be “where do we do this?” We do it in the Middle Prefrontal Cortex. It is the at the crossroads between the emotional limbic system and the thinking cortex and it has to do with things like emotional balance, empathy, insight, fear extinction, intuition and morality. One key way to effect and eventually develop this part of the brain-mind is through awareness. When we raise people’s awareness we increase the proper functioning of this important region of the brain.

There are different ways to raise awareness in a business environment: the use of assessments, targeted workshops and especially one-on-one coaching. But there are other ways to affect this region of the brain-mind. Stay tuned, I will discuss them further in part two of this article. For now, I hope you are encouraged to understand that we really can increase emotional intelligence and thereby improve relationships with everyone who crosses our life path.

Please let us know your experiences with emotionally intelligent (or lack thereof) bosses or leaders, as it pertains to FACES. And remember, EI is intelligence you can live with.

Emotional Intelligence (EI): Becoming an Effective, Mature and Decent Human Being

November 3, 2013

Couples, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Love, Parenting, Spirituality, Work

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Welcome to EI-Psych. EI stands for emotional intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a modern day term for being an effective, mature and decent human being. Emotional intelligence simply stated is “the ability to recognize, understand and effectively manage your emotions and behavior.”[1] In its more common usage it also includes the interpersonal aspect as well, thus the ability to recognize, understand and effectively manage the emotions and behaviors of others. Daniel Goleman has both popularized and further developed this idea in several books and articles on the subject. He has boiled the concept of EI into a simple chart that shows the four basic categories of EI: Self-awareness, self-management, social-awareness and relationship-management:

	Awareness	Behavior
Other	Social Awareness	Relationship Management
Self	Self-Awareness	Self-Management

EI-Psych is a blog committed to facilitating a discussion and enhancing growth around this most basic and vital human capacity, EI. Because of its deep penetration into the human experience, I will talk about EI as it pertains to a few broad categories of human interaction. Sigmund Freud once said that the essence of living is Love & Work. (I would add a third category that takes in some sort of reflective or even spiritual essence that would include concepts like mindfulness.) Therefore in EI-Psych we will focus on Work relationships (leadership, employee engagement and teams) as well as Love relationships (couples, parents and friendships) with an occasional reference to all things “Spiritual.” (We will let the reader know in the beginning of each blog the “categories” that we will touch on in the article du jour.)

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a modern-day term for being an effective, mature and decent human being. A good deal of research on EI has been done in the area of management and leadership. Although not all studies are unequivocal, the preponderance of research support the idea that the higher the level of emotional intelligence, the more effective the leader; and, the poorer the emotional intelligence, the poorer the leader’s effectiveness. A business owner once hired me to “make his project managers more emotionally intelligent.” I do not have to convince any reader of this idea who has ever worked for a boss who is overly demanding, impatient and rude. This boss does not bring the best out of people. However a boss who is firm and clear while being positive, fair and grateful will get us to be our best.

No doubt the same is true in other relationships outside of work, such as with friendship, dating, marriage and parenting. In this way, EI is a measure of social and personal maturity. When we think of people who are mature, we think of people who, first and foremost, know themselves accurately and honestly. They have self-control; they know other people and know how to manage the relationships they are in without being a manipulative brut or self-sacrificing. In other words, these mature individuals are emotionally intelligent. Last but not least, emotionally intelligent leaders, spouses, parents and friends are “decent” people. They have integrity. I love the word integrity. Integrity has three meanings: (1) adherence to a code, incorruptible; (2) soundness—like a building has integrity; and, (3) Completeness, as in integrated. Emotionally intelligent people have integrity, don’t they? They are “good” people who are sound (strong) and are well balanced.

IQ, intellectual intelligence, does not seem to change much over time without specific interventions. If you had an IQ of 115 when you were 8 years old, you are likely to have an IQ near 115 when you are 48 years old. Is this also true of EQ (another way to say EI)? Yes and no—the answer to this is complicated. We do inherit certain genes that affect and effect our EI. It is postulated for example that 50 percent of our ability to be happy is hard-wired at conception. We also have positive and negative experiences as children that will drastically and permanently influence our EI as adults. The good news—in this “glass half empty” scenario—is that the glass is also half-full! We have 50 percent that we can work with as adults that can make a BIG impact on the quality of our lives and our relationships. (I often say to my clients that even a little change is a lot of change.)

So stay tuned. Together, let’s leverage the 50 percent that we can change. Join us as we consider this most important human capacity. Just imagine what difference it would make in your life if you were more positive with your spouse, led your team at work with more effectiveness, could be less reactive with your challenging child or more patient with (yes) your mother-in-law. Emotional intelligence is intelligence you can live with.

—The EQ Psych

Linking heart and mind through Emotional Intelligence

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