Honoring Differences

HonoringDifferencesI just finished facilitating a workshop for a consulting firm on the topic of “Honoring Differences & Emotional Intelligence.” All the participants took the ITI– Interpersonal Triangle Inventory, which is an inventory that I developed based on the Interpersonal Triangle model that I introduced in my previous post (See “Emotional Intelligence (EI) in Three-D: Scarecrow, Tin Man & Lion.”)  Based on their scores they were sorted into one of four relationship styles represented by the following colors (the first three are sorted into the three primary colors thus representing the three primary ways we relationally move or connect; the fourth is a hybrid):

  • Red: Moving Against—Lion. These types of relators tend to be more aggressive, directive, take-charge, determined, quick to make decisions, and are opinionated.
  • Blue: Moving Toward—Tin Man. These types of relators tend to be people oriented, empathic, supportive and caring, willing to defer to the needs of others.
  • Yellow: Moving Away—Scarecrows. These types of relators are more measured and careful, want to be accurate and true to the facts.
  • Purple (Blends of Red Lion & Blue Tin Man). People in this hybrid are enthusiastic and readily engage and influence others. They like liking and like being liked. I have a Purple relationship style in most of my relationships.

I’d like to share with you what we learned through the workshop experience (in no particular order):

  • People have different relationship styles. Some are more quick and determined (like the Red Lions) others are people centered (like the Blue Tin Man) and others are more careful and precise (like Yellow Scarecrow). Then there are Purple people like me who want to engage and influence others. One style is not necessarily better than the others all the time (even thought I would follow a Red in an emergency, a Yellow when I want objective facts and a Blue when I want to be understood).
  • Each style has its positive or negative expressions. Each style, in its positive expression, can enhance communication and bring about positive outcomes. However in its negative manifestation, each style can break down communication and be destructive. Often the negative expressions are directly related to their positive expression. Elias Porter—the person who developed the SDI (the Strength Deployment Inventory)—suggested that our weaknesses are nothing more than overdone strengths. Think about it. A quick Red response overdone makes them rushed or impetuous. A Blue’s deference to others can easily become a form of self-denial; and a Yellow’s carefulness is only a couple clicks away from being overly cautious and hesitant.
  • We have different styles in different situations. For example, my relationship style is different at home than when I am speaking or consulting. At home I am more Orange (Red and Yellow) and at work I am more Purple (Red and Blue). And when I get around Red alphas, I have to fight the temptation to become overly Blue (submissive). Different settings and interactions with different people often bring out different elements of how we interact. A person at work might be one way with a boss (e.g. Blue) and then another way with a subordinate (e.g. Red). I am always amused by CEOs who run large organizations who, when they come home, become totally subservient to their spouse.
  • If we don’t honor differences in someone else, we will end up reacting to them. Evolution formed a brain that is suspicious, if not hostile, to those who differ from us. If we don’t leverage our differences for good we will likely get entangled in some sort of estrangement. I worked with a board of directors who had a good number of Red relators. They looked down on the “weaker” Blue relaters seeing them as “soft” simply because they were not as decisive and opinionated as they were. It was unfortunate that the Reds did not honor their Blue brethren because they did not take advantage of their sympathy for client relations and their ability to collaborate. This can happen at home as well. We can write off our “quiet” (Yellow) spouse as disinterested rather than slow and thoughtful. And we’ve all heard of the rough and tough father who reacts to his “weaker” (artistic) son not realizing what a precious gift the son brings to the world.

I’d love to hear back from you: What relationship style do you tend toward  . . .  at home? Are you more Red, more Blue or more Yellow (or like me, a hybrid)? Is your relationship style different at work? If so, how?  Do you ever “overdo” one of these relational styles to a fault? (If you are not sure, ask your spouse, children, or your employees.) Do you ever find yourself reacting to your partner for having a different relational style than yourself?  Please share your experience with us.

Ultimately, be yourself, accept who you are and be positive in your difference. And remember, emotional intelligence is intelligence you can live with.

  1. tina said:

    What a fantastic topic as I can so relate to color being connected to an emotion or reaction in my line of work as an Interior designer. I look at the psychology of colors to help create a pleasing environment I feel best suits my clients personality, but am far from being an expert in color psychology.

    My relationship style definitely leans more towards the Purple all around, in general. I’m pretty much the same at home and outside of the home, however, the more Red style in me kicks in with my children and spouse. Sometimes it’s good and other times it’s really bad when the opinionated person in me comes out and I feel as though I’ve crushed their spirits. I think I just feel safer allowing the Red style in me to come out among my family as I cannot be that red person at work or when dealing with conflict outside the family. Feelings I’ve oppressed, it seems, or just plain avoidance altogether. If I dare to be more Red outside of my family, I feel more vulnerable in being judged and all my insecurities come flooding through. The result, self-sabotage. And although the traits of being more a Purple style in my relationships, the downside is that I tend to put everyone’s needs first and forget all about my own needs that affect my family life. I am such a people person, but there does come a time when enough is enough. I’m such a people pleaser that I get so bothered when I feel someone doesn’t like me. That’s the downfall for me in being in the Purple. So what is the perfect blend of colors to give me that balance, to make me feel centered and worthy? There is none, I know, and I am okay with that. As I need to appreciate everyone else’s differences, I need to appreciate the differences within myself. I need to celebrate the positive traits of my the Purple me!

  2. Dr. Sam said:

    We Purple people like to be liked. And as you ended your wonderful expose and analysis, We need to accept our Purpleness. However, MORE balance is possible. Instead of being more Red, consider trying on more positive Yellow by stepping back, being more mindful and observing yourself and the others you are interacting with. Thanks for your thoughts.

  3. Tina said:

    Thank you, Dr. Sam! I’m glad to here that MORE balance is possible! I will take your advice to heart as I am working on being more mindful. I so appreciate your feedback.

  4. Dr. Sam said:

    You can never go wrong being more mindful! Let all us keep working on being more mindful.

  5. zbabe1@comcast.net said:

    Appreciated this…don’t have time now to respond…but maybe we can discuss this face to face… Am going to drive down to L.A. on Tues the 31st to hang with a good friend and hopefully see you guys, before heading back Sat or Sun…Is your little clan going to be in town? I’ll try to talk with Jan soon. Love to you all! Lyn

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